Sunday, July 07, 2013


Hey American Worker,

Hi there. You know me, don't you? Of course you do.

I'm your boss.

Well, not exactly the public face of your boss. I'm your boss's psyche, or perhaps, it may be more accurate to describe me as your boss's conscience.

I'd like to take this opportunity to share some of my true feelings toward you right here, right now. You will never get this kind of candor from your boss in your actual workplace, because, quite frankly, your actual boss is too much of a fucking coward to tell you what I'm about to tell you to your face.

That said, I'd like to take a moment to discuss a matter which I find rather urgent and troublesome with you.

Remember that employee who quit? Yeah, the one who didn't give any notice?

Well, I have a message for all the rest of you who are staying behind, and putting up with the same shit, and not doing anything about it.

You'd better not get any fucking ideas.

For starters, you're probably not even nearly as financially secure as that motherfucker who quit without notice. That guy was saving his money paycheck after paycheck, for the entire 16 years he was working here. That motherfucker might put in for Unemployment Insurance and even get awarded for checks since, although he quit, he really wanted to keep his job and we treated him like shit by overworking him and then taking away his most skilled job duties without cause. Even if, or more probably, when our high paid corporate attorney wins the case for us and he's denied, he's not going to have to start worrying about where his next rent payment comes from for at least the next five, six years or so.

You sad sacks of shit, on the other hand, don't have it so good. Now, do you? You decided to pretty much live paycheck to paycheck and put yourselves up to your asses in debt with nice houses and cars and fancy restaurants and vacations and bar tabs at clubs, spending a whole fuckload of money you don't have on shit you don't need. Right?

Yep, you're my kind of people. A bunch of servile stuck pigs in my poke, scared shitless about being the next one to go to slaughter. I'm going to do anything I want to do to you, within legal boundaries, and without them if I can get away with it. What are you going to do about it? Quit?

Go ahead. Get sick of my bullshit and give me two weeks notice. You'll be back. You might even leave because you've found another job. But they'll just treat you like shit. Just like I did. You'll be back, with your tail between your legs and more subordinate than ever. And I'll gladly take you back, you pathetic little bitch ass fool, because that will only make me look good. Now that you have returned to my dungeon, I can totally shit all over you for the slightest reason and you can't do a fucking thing about it.  

Face reality. You're not going to do anything. You're becoming less and less united and organized as the days go by. Have you seen the steady drop in the percentage of workers who are actually in trade unions nowadays?  That's the best news I've heard in years! Beyond encouraging. For me, maybe not for you.

You know, my mistress and I were on a little vacation ourselves in a third world resort just a few weeks back, and we both marveled at how reverently subservient those people are. When they were refilling our glasses with water, or opening the car doors or scraping the dog shit off our shoes for us, we couldn't help but notice how happy and smiling and docile they were, and both of us concluded that it must be because they were so happy to have their jobs, and just thankful for what they've got, no matter how overworked, underpaid and generally abused they are.

The mere sight of all that brought a tear to my eye. It truly did.

Because that is my vision... of my United States of America.

I see a nation that someday pounds an iron fist into these pathetic labor rights that fools back in the old days died for in those silly labor riots. We need to eliminate all of this eight hour day, forty hour week, minimum wage nonsense and teach all of you filthy uncouth serfs what it's like to really work for a living. And gradually, day by day, that is exactly what we are moving towards. You, American Worker, will help us to reach that utopian oligarchy of my dreams. Just keep that attitude going where you are completely scared shitless of losing your job, whether that fear is based on rational thinking or not.

Do you even realize, how many assholes I had to lick clean to get to where I am today? I am going to celebrate that accomplishment every day for the rest of my career, by knocking you down to the ground and walking all over you, grinding my heel on your head, every chance I get. 

Now, get down on your knees and start sucking the plastic dildo of Corporate America! You know you love it.

And then, go get me a Venti 7 Pump no Whip White Mocha, like a good little voluntary slave.