A EULOGY YOU CAN'T SAY ON TELEVISION

Shit, Mr. Carlin, I'm sure going to miss you. You really knew how to take the piss out of the follies of human nature. I admired how you could fuck with the priggish fools who try to inflict their brand of moral retardation upon our society, and you’d do that simply by grabbing a mike and speaking to a crowd of people. Whoever filed that FCC complaint against WBAI in 1973 was a real cunt. But hey, if it wasn’t for that cocksucker making a big stink about those seven words, you probably wouldn’t be heralded as such a legendary and controversial motherfucker today. Your brand of humor, as well as your dissemination of the sheer absurdity of what people take for granted, nay, even tolerate and accept on an everyday basis, was, in this writer’s estimation, the absolute tits. Goodbye George, and thank you so much for being an inspiration, and a unique brand of philosopher, and entertainer who brought stand up comedy to a level of art like no other ever will, or ever could do quite the same.

"DRILL, DRILL, DRILL" RIGHT LACKEYS? GOOD DOGGIES!

Surrrre Dubya! I'm one hunnerd percent with you and all your cronies! Let’s done DO it! Let’s go drillin’ and go strip... oops I mean shale minin’ and dig up and drill the whole Ay-lasker wild-nuss and that’ll save America from the grips of forn oil! Yuh, that’s the ticket!

Fuckin’ morons.

IF you honestly believe any of the horseshit that has been spewed out by the Bush Administration and its designated media whores, especially the latest pathetic ideas re: fighting high gas prices, I may have a swell deal for you on a Streamline Moderne vertical lift bridge with a spectacular view of Old Sacramento and a recent coat of paint.

Let’s start with the idea of renewing offshore drilling by California’s coast. All of you who support this idea: Quite frankly, fuck you. Even Schwarzenegger doesn’t like the idea, so it must be a really stupid one.

Alaska? Yeahrite. Granted, since so many Americans don’t live there, don’t plan to visit there and probably wouldn’t care if it slid down and sank into the Pacific tomorrow, there IS a chance that a Bush the 3rd, I mean a President McCain could convince enough folks to sucker down with the program as far as turning the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge into a strip mined, oil drilled rape victim of a landscape is concerned. But, like the atrocities of the Third Reich, just because so many of a nation’s people can be convinced by its leaders that something is okay still doesn’t make it okay.

Which now brings us to the latest burnt offering to corporate oil interests from all of the fat cat politicos whose campaigns get stuffed with big oil money like tips in a stripper’s thong strap during Fleet Week. Shale oil mining. People like Congress’ Chris Cannon (R-Utah) and Bush lapdogs like Larry Kudlow and Glenn Beck are ramping up the shale mining mantra as if I could grab a fuckin’ garden shovel and hop on a plane to Colorado right now if I want to help drive the price of gas to 2 bucks a gallon by, like, tomorrow, maaan!

Reality check, ye shale oil groupies.

"Despite all the attempts to develop a shale oil industry in the US over the past 100 years, the fact remains that no proven method exists for efficiently removing the oil from the rock. There are a number of candidate processes possible, but none has demonstrated a practical capability to produce oil."

The preceding quote was recorded from a statement made during a Senate hearing by a guy named Bob Loucks, a FORMER SHALE OIL PROJECT MANAGER. Were you able to read that, or should I have used boldface?

Why don’t you try to sell America on shale mining while pointing out how much water will get fucked up in the name of corporate spoon fed pseudo-patriotism? And hey, if you really want to flash a crystal ball in all the eyes of your desperate Hummer owning flock of sheep, give ‘em the, erm, collateral results of a country already knee deep in shale oil diggin’! In estimates from 2002, 91% of the water consumed by Estonia was used for… yup, not drinking, folks! Just guess. And there was no decimal point mistakenly left out in that number. NINETY.ONE. Percent. They call it “above-ground retorting.” So with that statistic in mind, these boneheads think that it would be a great idea to suck up millions of gallons from an already depleted Colorado River! VUNdebar! I’d also mention the fact that shale mining will produce a whole load of greenhouse gases, but most crap-corroded conservatives are in denial about all that stuff, so why bother?

Hopefully a significant enough number of Americans can see through the wizard’s cheesy curtain in this scenario and tell anyone stupid and / or enough of a corporate tool where they can go by using the ballot box this November. But seeing as this is the country whose majority of voters was stupid enough to vote for possibly the lamest POTUS ever (twice!) I’m not going to go to Vegas and propose to put a wager on the books anytime soon. But, hey, a fella can dream.

KARMA CAN BE A BITCH

Somewhere, in a Boston locker room, Coach Zen was patting his star player on the back and saying,

"Karma, Kobe... karma."

Happy Bunker Hill Day, Boston. Go Celts.

MIDTOWN SHOPPER'S ALERT!

The Ace hardware store on I Street is an excellent place to buy a shovel. Apparently us folks living within the city limits of Sacramento are going to need to keep one handy between now and November. It seems fitting that the Ace is only 10 blocks up the same street as City Hall. Just sayin’.