Sunday, April 29, 2007

Someone needs to say this. Just once.

For those of you from my age, cultural expreiences and generation, who watch network / commercial-laden television, you'll understand.

Although I don't come directly from this particular subculture, I think those who are will tend to agree.

Ready? I'll only say it once, and only once.

Mods. Don't. Drive. Cadillacs.

That's all. Carry on.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

MILK IT, NBC! And CBS and ABC and CNN and Fux News!

And all you others, don’t hate on NBC just because the young man only mailed his multimedia extravaganza to them alone! He didn’t have time to make copies and look up addresses! Hell, he couldn’t even get NBC’s address right! I mean, how could you fuck up the address for 30 Rock! And besides, you get to use the images that the Big Bird received! They’re sharing! That’s fair and balanced so admit it, Fux News! Hell yeah it is!

By all means, give the fella his 15 minutes! Or more likely, about 15 hours of face time in the next 24! After all, that’s what he wanted! To tell everyone tuning in how much he hates rich people and feels like the second coming o’ Jeezo! After all, he was being crucified, for Chrissake! Poor lil’ middle class son of dry cleaner owners! He couldn’t get into Harvard or Berkeley so just imagine the degrading feeling he has being among these State University system heathens! The poverty gap resentment is so, well, obvious! Well, it is! Yup!

And by all means, please keep interviewing the roommates! There’s nothing that drives the message home more than the smirks being suppressed by the Caucasian frat boys as they relate their memories of their creepy introverted former classmate! And what’s really incredible here is when you hear them stress how they just let him alone and do his own thing and never, and they mean NEVER did a single thing to tease or antagonize him! My god! This young man lived in the most docile, tolerant dorm- oops uh, I meant, as they say nowadays, “suite” in collegiate history! After all, it’s not unrealistic to assume that when a nerdy, weird loner student is sharing living space with 5 other young guys in various stages of incomplete social and intellectual development, you completely get your own space! They totally let ya be! Of course! That’s like TOTALLY normal!

So by all means, play into the little bugger’s hands like Jacko staring into the eyes of a 12-year-old boy! Splash the pictures of Mr. Stress Junkie brandishing his Wal-Mart ammo loaded guns like a character out of a Chan-Wook Park movie!

(Hey! That reminds me! There’s a part of Oldboy that relies heavily on hammers! Fuck yeah there is!)

Keep replaying that tape of homie trying to talk all low voiced and tough and shit! While speaking to relatives, students, mental health experts, etc., keep playing the same photo slideshow (smiling pose! pointing gun pose! hammer pose! both guns drawn pose! knife pose! and over and over with those same few photos ad nauseam, interspersed with muted video of Freakboy blabbing to the camera!) Better get to work catching up with CNN- they got specials planned for Saturday AND Sunday night! Fuck it! Just broadcast non-stop coverage of all of the funerals, press conferences and related hoo-hah 24-7! For God’s sake, don’t get left behind!

And on a last note, I completely ripped off my writing style for this blog entry! I decided to cop on one of my favorite writers of all time, a guy named Lester Bangs! It’s inspired by one of my favorite pieces of his, called “Sham 69 Is Innocent!” From a classic collection of his work called “Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung”! Go out and get a copy and read it right now! Cover to cover! Especially if you’re an English major! Then you might be inspired to figure out how to write something interesting! Not some dumbass script about some kid getting molested by his stepdad and chainsaws and all that stupid shit! Then people won’t castigate you and think you’re a freak, driving you over the edge until you turn around one day and decide to perforate people with bullets! But you don’t care! Neither do I! So let’s watch!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Here is the official list of grownups in the Imus controversy:

1. Don Imus
2. The coach and members of the Rutgers basketball team

Why? Because Imus, after making a pretty stupid joke about the Rutgers team re: their general appearance on the court, apologized (AFTER losing his job) and the team accepted his apology (which is what adults, young old or otherwise, should have done.)

Practically everybody else in this scenario who have commented and called for the head of Imus, are fuckin’ pathetic whiny pieces of shit.

As much as I could personally care less about whether Imus goes back on the air or retires to the ranch (or wherever), my take on the controversy (which will probably piss off a lot of people) is: it’s come full circle and firing Imus, rather than simply sticking to the original 2 week punishment, was excessive and unnecessary.

Of course, corporate pigs, being the Chicken Little alarmist idiots they can tend to be, pulled ad money from the radio show and that didn’t help. But in reality, where would the damage be in that regard? For every Procter & Gamble backing out, there’s a 1-800-LOAN-YES or a “How to Make Millions in the Stock Market” company more than willing to pony up the cash to fill in the gaps. You know, like what you see on CW and Fox TV affiliates on weekday mornings and afternoons. And what’s more, Imus could blow off residual steam from the stress of the past controversy by making fun of the sponsors (which would be shooting fish in a barrel for some of these outfits.) Hey, he used to talk plenty of shit about Gold Bond Powder (once, I heard him audibly commenting, “Just take a shower!” DURING the running of the ad) and they still kept paying for the airtime. It could work out in the end and keep things going until the folks who pulled their advertising realize what a bunch of overreactionary idjits they were and call to get back in the loop.

But that, of course was not going to happen and now, for the first time since the Jacko “not guilty” verdict (or perhaps the inexplicable re-election of Dubya,) people who are cursed with a clear sense of reality are scratching their noggins and wondering, “What the fuck?”

Two people I have a surplus of contempt for in this controversy:

The first being:

ANN COULTER: Naturally, any news program desperate enough to let her on (usually with a now just-as-obscene three letter “F” word in its name) let her whine on about how Imus should stop apologizing and how it’s nice to see this happening to a liberal for once. Does anyone really give a flying fuck about what she has to say about this issue? Having this stringy headed attention hoe comment on this matter is like asking Gary Glitter to put forth on his opinion of Pete Townsend’s kiddy porn bust. How can you take anything said with any degree of seriousness? And why bother?

And the second person is:

BRUCE GORDON: The CBS board member who was on every media outlet who’d let him calling for Imus’ firing. Guess the squeaky wheel gets the most grease after all, eh? A gander at the current CBS Corporation roster indicates that Mr. Gordon appears to be one of exactly TWO ethnic minority board members (Linda Griego being the other) and what’s more there’s a pretty, erm, shall we say Wonder Breaded roster of executives at The Eye Incorporated as well. It would seem to me that this is evident of what’s REALLY fucked up with the American society as opposed to three words irresponsibly uttered by a guy already certified as a shock jock. So, hopefully Mr. Gordon uses all of that seemingly endless supply of angst and at the next board meeting has the cojones to get up and say, “So… why doesn’t the racial composition of our top levels of the Corporation reflect the same diversity as our audience, or for that matter, of our nation as a whole?” I’ll be waiting for that moment, and in the meantime, I’ll grab a REALLY long book to pass the hours away.

A whole group of people who should be used as a excuse to bring back tar and feathering are:

THE WASTES OF DNA WHO ARE MAKING DEATH THREATS TO AL SHARPTON: Sure, Reverend Al was acting like an asshole to bring Imus on to his radio show and after airing a live apology STILL called upon his firing. But there is no excuse to threaten some one's life like this. I have a sneaking suspicion anyway that these folks making the threats don't even listen to Imus and have a Confederate flag up on the garage wall up between the noose and the poster of Hitler if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

Yeah, yeah I know, it’s already died down (after all, it was the 12th when Imus was fired, it’s already Saturday the 14th as I’m writing this and the whole matter will be forgotten/ignored by the all the usual flacks by Monday the 16th) but what this whole media circus has revealed to me is sort of disconcerting. What sort of world are we shaping right now for the future? A 65-year-old white guy gets fired for making a stupid remark while the most xenophobic behavior is silently and successfully carried out and even tolerated in so many suit-and-tie circles. So, before you judge the Imuses of the world too harshly take a good long look at your local boardroom or tract housing neighborhood before acting too shocked.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

My official Don Imus Cultural Enlightenment Link™
(Courtesy of the fine scholars at Rutgers)

Click Here.

Friday, April 06, 2007

This Monday marks the 31st anniversary of the passing of one of our most eloquent voices of dissent in American history, Phil Ochs. This particular song seems to shine upon an enigmatic peculiarity in life that the more times change, the more they remain the same.

RIP Phil

Monday, April 02, 2007

NO. You CAN’T borrow my fuckin’ cell phone.

Stop asking me.

Here we go. The latest twist to street hustle. I guess it’s a little more dignified than asking for fifty cents for the pay phone. Not like those aren’t an endangered species, but what really burns my ass is when brokedicks ask to use your phone with a pay phone right there.

Which goes to another facet of this particular rant- why do I usually get hit up at Light Rail stations for my cell? Especially at say, 16th Street, where I could be taking either of TWO trains in any particular direction? What, if you aren’t going to Meadowview and I am, THEN I’m supposed to wait until you have your conversation to board MY train?

Okay, okay, you’re running late and need to tell somebody. Suggested solution: be punctual in the first place. Or better yet, carry about a buck in change so you can use the fuckin’ pay phone. Or even better yet, GET YOUR OWN CELL PHONE. If you need to get ahold of people that urgently it might work out for you. But then again, if you are so out of it that you think that walking up to strangers for temporary use of a utility (kind of like asking to borrow their stove or hot water) is perfectly rational behavior, you’re probably too jacked up in the head to keep track of your minutes, let alone pay your bill on time.

As far as I can tell, there are three reasons I have come up with to bum my cell:

1. You’re late and need to tell someone that you’re on your way.

2. You need to contact your dealer/ customer/ fellow gang member/ otherwise questionable character and it’s the PERFECT way not to get pinned down by The Man.

3. You are having some sort of health/ safety/ national security emergency and need to dial 911. (I’d be more than happy to call them for you myself.)

I’m not so worried about numbers 1 and 3 as number 2 and for that reason alone, I’m justified not to be too cool with handing you my phone.

So, in future requests, you will get the response of “Sorry, I need to watch my minutes. Tell you what, I have .50 for the pay phone over there…” and you’ll just have to live with it or ask somebody else. And anyway, it’s going to be common practice for me to be carrying my cell in my pocket and not in my hand from now on so you won’t be any the wiser anyway.

For those of you who think it’s not such a big deal, and gladly hand their cell to any old Tom Dick and Scarface who comes along, wait until it turns into France and fools ask to use your phone and then put their sprinting skills to the test. Then you’ll be the one approaching someone and asking, “Uh (pant pant) can I uh (wheeze) borrow your phone? (Hack pant, wheeze) mine just got taken and I (pant, wheeze, sniffle, sob) couldn’t catch the fucker…”