Hey, you look like you could use a laugh.

Want to hear the funniest joke I've caught this week?

The stock market.

Aw, c'mon. If you don't think that the latest index regurgitation is a bucket of yuks, you must be lobotomized or something.

What really adds to the wacky, kooky laugh charged atmosphere is recalling how just about a WEEK ago these TV business show pundits have been blabbing away at how the U.S. of A.'s impending subprime lending crisis isn't going to hurt things much over all and how we have a GLOBAL economy now and nothing's gonna stop that thar juggernaut from rollin' on and the GLOBAL economy will keep us strong and solvent and blah blah bullshit bullshit rosy picture blah blah blah.

Guess nobody had better show the aforementioned media mouths any articles like this update on the Asian markets. Especially the part that says:

Dealers said that although Asia's exposure to the US mortgage problems appeared to be limited, the fear is that foreign funds will be forced to sell Asian stocks to cover losses on sub-prime loans to risky borrowers.

Nah. Nothing to worry about. For me, that is. I don't have any money tied up in stocks. Or any home loans to pay off.

And there's a simple reason for that.

You see, I'm not a dumb fuck like a lot of other people.

As for any of you out there who are unfortunate enough to have a 401K right now or a subprime mortgage hanging over your head, I would think real hard about a trip to the Big 5 for some camping equipment. (Or better yet, Wal-Mart. According to the latest earnings reports they could use all the help they can get.) And scout out some nice locations at the river to park your van. But you could be okay with the 401K. That is, if you don't retire until, say around 2042 or so.

As for me, I'll be endlessly entertained by the current drunken public puking passout that Wall Street is experiencing. Dump back below 10,000, Dow! It CAN be a reality. Heh heh heh.

Not that I can stand more than 120 seconds of the Fox News Channel, but…

Why is it, whenever I flip channels, the crawl on Fux is spewing some kind of Chicken Little alarmist bullshit about Hugo Chavez and Venezuela, that is, doing so when some rocket scientist like Neil Cavuto isn't yakking on and on about what an evil dictator and threat to world peace that Chavez is.

So, how come other networks aren’t joining in on the fun? Is it because Fux News is so “Fair” and “Balanced” in comparison to the rest of the Evil Liberal Media? Uh, nuh brah.

It's because there really ISN'T that much of a story. At least not yet. In all probability, it’s a creative way for Fux News to divert its crap corroded conservative extremist viewership from thinking too hard about the ever increasing failed experiment that is Dubya’s cock compensation mission in Iraq. That, alternated with “Lookee! Thet thar Dow stock ticker jes hit FO-TEEN THOW POINTS! See how great this here economy’s doin?”

Any media company owned by media fuehrer Rupert Murdoch that criticizes the censorship policies of anyone is playing a serious game of Glass House Stone Throwing. Let’s follow up the Chavez bashing stories, why don’t we, with the latest update on the Chinese MySpace venture? And, besides the fact that Rupe’s May/December Chinese wifey was handed the job of "chief of strategy", you may want to fill in all of your allegedly patriotic, freedom loving American viewers with the policies of self-censorship and repression of comments opposing the policies of the People’s Republic.

But of course, that’s wishful thinking. Rupe and News Corporation and MySpace and related corporate pigs would rather rake in the bucks than keep it real, whether it’s from China, the U.S. or anywhere else the money’s green. So ultimately, Chavez’ shortcomings are much more news-sexy (and safer) to harp on than China’s human rights abuses and their economic bedfellowing with a swell fellow like Robert Mugabe, whose regime routinely arrests and abuses Zimbabwe’s political dissidents and has done so consistently for the past 27 years. But then again, he’s not a socialist so that’s, erm, "good" repression. The kind that opens up the possibility of a lucrative MySpace Zimbabwe venture.

So remember, Fux News: there’s strict definitions that you have fabricated all by yourselves as to “good” socialism and “bad” socialism. Be sure to whine endlessly about the latter. Just don’t show your hand to your brain dead audience ‘cause then there might be Hell to pay. Well maybe not. They’re probably THAT stupid and gullible.

I don't think that I have mentioned this yet but...

About a year ago I started my own group on MySpace. Not that I give a shit if anyone joins (kind of like I equally could give a fuck if anyone "friends" me on my cobweb-collecting cyber middle finger of a profile.)

Anyway, click here, Pilgrim

These here boys, they gots some good points thar.

Dear Mr. Nader:

Don’t run. Ever again. Please?

Oh sure, I agree with you almost to the letter when I hear you talk about the stagnant two-party-as-now-one system and how SOMEthing has to be done about it and yadda yadda blah blah blah. And I strongly feel that a third party candidacy could actually be good for getting important issues back into contention.

The only thing is, you are not the guy, Ralph.

While it is admirable that you have a monster track record in activism and public interest work, the fact is, there are three branches of government not one, and well, you have a reputation of being a born leader. Maybe too much of a leader. As in, this is how it’s going to be, consensus, conSHMENsus. THAT kind of leader. Sure you get things done that way but the fact is that there’s these things called Congress and the Supreme Court and this document called the Constitution that sorta have some relevance in this general equation, and well, I don’t think you’re quite in game form for that kinda shit.

But, again, I’m not disputing your general statements: re: the rotting corpse that is the electoral process in America today. I mean, who do we REALLY have to look at as a positive ray of hope in the upcoming Presidential election?

Obama? Oh please. This guy is John Edwards with a darker complexion. I really have to gag when I see all of these suburban I-hate-Bush-but-don’t-give-change-to-homeless-people asswipes trumpeting (real loud and to anyone within earshot / unfortunate enough to stumble upon their website) how much they loooove Sen. Obama and half of them DON’T EVEN KNOW OR CARE WHAT THE FUCK HE’S ABOUT. Now, granted, I actually have been reading about his platform and dig a lot of what he has to propose as far as government reform, health coverage and other issues are concerned. And I hope that, after the election when his chickenshit Democratic Establishment voter populace elects Hillary, that he digs into the Senate trenches and fights like Hell for a lot of these reforms. Perhaps you, Mr. Nader, can assist the good Senator from Illinois with the type of grassroots revolt that you are so capable of executing. But, really, for those of you who support Obama just because you think that it would be cool to put a black man in the White House, here’s a suggestion: start a draft campaign to compel Chuck D into running. Now THERE’S my vote. THERE’S somebody who would kick some shit in D.C. I’m inspired to register a “Draft Chuck D” profile on MySpace RIGHT NOW! Who’s WITH me? (Checking Google) At least one guy! Apparently Davey D in his blog back in April! Cool! Looks like we’re picking up momentum.

And all you Ron Paul supporters? Get the fuck out of my face. I liked him better when his name was John Anderson. Actually, I liked John Anderson more. Though not much. It’s really amusing to me, to be seeing all of these 9/11 conspiracy nuts and pseudo-libertarian Trader Joe’s shoppers making a collective swing off the nuts of the Honorable Representative from the Texas 14th District. Wow, in Congress Ron Paul voted against the Patriot Act and the Iraq War. Whoopee! Yay! Too bad that he was voting that way because of a “less gummint” philosophy and not because those things were fucked up. He also thinks that abortion should be left up to the states to decide and questions the constitutionality of Roe v. Wade. Fuck all the dumb shit. Putting Ron Paul into the White House would be like buying the leanest E-Coli-infected ground beef at the supermarket: hey, we’re writhing in pain, but it sure TASTED good at the time!

So really, Mr. Nader, I’m about ready to do the same thing I did in 2000- leave the whole fuckin’ “President” section of the ballot blank. No, don’t accuse me of helping to get Dubya elected- I live in California and Gore won here by a landslide anyway. And besides, despite the fact that he won the popular vote Gore would not have won anyway due to this thing called the Electoral College and- hey, speaking of reform, how about stirring up the activist troops to join in on a campaign to abolish that antiquated piece of shit institution? Now THERE’s a true chance to unite the country across ideological lines for the public good.

YAY! I HAVE PARIS HILTON SUSSED!

Well, maybe not me but SOMEone does...

Click here, pilgrim

PSYCHO'S RECORD PILE
Flipper- ALBUM - Generic Flipper (1982)

Flipper is an underground legend, a band that should have NEVER made it into the studio. It's a surprise that a band this ready to self-implode at any time even managed to put out the limited amount of material that they did. But there were drugs to buy and thus shows that needed to be played, so hey, they were motivated. "ALBUM- Generic Flipper" is a masterpiece right up on the punk totem pole with the first Ramones LP, "Never Mind The Bollocks" and Black Flag’s "Damaged".

Bar none, these tracks are some of the sloppiest yet most relevant shit ever making it to record. Vanilla Fudge on methamphetamine and grain alcohol. What impresses me greatly about this album is that you can somehow make out the lyrics in this mess. The sublimely sarcastic philosophical rants in songs like "Ever", "Shed No Tears", "The Way of the World" and "Life" are well worth the price even at Corporate Nazi Chain Store list retail. I find "Life is Cheap" and "(I Saw You) Shine" to be rather low points, and I'm sick of hearing "Sex Bomb", yet I always play this entire album from first cut to last. Now THAT'S called passing the test of time.

Come on now, people! They’re just fuckin’ whales!

I’m not sure what’s worse-

1. The copious amount of TV news time being devoted to pumping up this near non- story (I mean really- you’d think that one more plane hit another building the way that they’re going on.) Hey, I have a suggestion for those of you holding “cute name” contests- how about “Exploitation” and “Desperation”?

2. The fact that these goofballs are piling up in the SUV, and probably leaving the air conditioners on 65 degrees in an empty dwelling just so’s they can go hang around at the river to witness this here “rare wonder of nature” in our own backyards.

When your tract house development is under 15 feet of water this winter, you can thank all these fat asses rolling up in their big ol’ heavy vehicles and massing up on the levees to look at a couple of whales possibly bobbing up for air.

Please. People. Get a life. Just leave the whales alone and let people do their jobs moving them out. Stop rubbernecking. Thank you.

A public service message from Black Hole Media Co.

Whoo-Hoo!

IT'S PARTY TIME!

(Cue “My City Was Gone” by the Pretenders, Rush Limbaugh’s opening theme of choice. Then we hear the opening announcer:)

ANNOUNCER: And now. Live! From the Limbaugh Center for Redacted Truth! A VERY special edition! The one and only RUSH LIMBAUGH TRAVLIN’ MINSTREL Show!

RUSH: Howdy do, my folks! We’s got a VERY special morning planned for all our Dittoheads out there! Fo sho’! We gonna put a smile on all yo’ pasty pale faces as you keep on writin’ those angry emails to them Sacramento TV people and everybody else who I says attacks me about how much you love yo’ Uncle Rushus and want to see dem liberal media devils on a BBQ rack! An’ I want to thank you right now with a lil’ song my Mammy taught me! Ready! Here we go!

(Sung to the tune of old minstrel tune, "Jump Jim Crow")

First a liberal slap, den a low black blow
But doncha make me racist, I’m not Jim Crow.
Statements in the ballpark of “nappy headed hos”.
But don’t call me a racist, I’m not Jim Crow.

(A brief softshoe is now heard in the background, before tune ends. Canned applause track)

Thank you my Dittoheads of ‘Merica! I know you sho did enjoy that lil’ song and dance I just did fo’ yo’ all, just like all the stuff that comes out of my mouff! Hell, yes, I could walk up to yo’ all on the street and puke right all over yo’ shoes an’ yo’ all be lovin’ me fo’ it! When I says everything out of my mouff I means EVERTHIN’!

(Canned laugh track)

And now let’s gather ‘round the ol’ cracker barrel and talk some turkey over this here new controversy, that yo’ all, my dedicated brainwashed flock o’ white right wingin’ sheep, know has been blown up out of ALL kinds of proportion like activities! Hell, I was only havin’ me some fun an’ tryin’ to make a point about why we’s so scared of Obama here on the right! After, all, it be a natural fact that that term I used, “Magic Negro” was used in a real actual news story by a BLACK man, can ya hears me loud and clear, yo’ all? You know, just like, Snoop Dogg used “nappy headed hoes” in a song, an’ THEREfore, it was perfeck okay for Imus to use it his own self! And yo’ can now see, my dear listeners, since a jen-yoon black man wrote about magic Negroes, it is now perfeckly right fo’ us white folks to imitate famous black people in order to make fun of all ours politicized enemies! Know what I mean?

What some of yo’ all mean, don’t know what I mean? You must be one of them guilty white honkies that we always talkin’ bout ‘round these here parts! Well, yo’ Uncle Rushus is going to keep on going at it just the same, ‘cause that’s what keeps all my Dittohomies tuning in like some freaky ol’ cult followers day after day an’ going out an’ spending they’s hard earned cash on all the crap my sponsors sell to yo’ all! So, I figure, why the Hell change, see that?

So, tune in tomorrow, Dittoheads, jus’ like you did today and yesterday and as alway, and I be discussin' my theory of how Phil Spector is done bein' set up by all these angry Hollywood liberals with a white girl’s killin’ because of all the minorities he abused and burned for hit recordin’s! See yo’ all then!

What's so outrageous about these kooky folks standing outside of the high schools around town with the anti-gay protest signs?

Don't you heathens understand?

These people are just trying to prove that Christians are sodomy experts.

See? That's all there is to it.

Other than that, wake me up when Fred Phelps brings his hyper-homophobic ass into town. After all, anyone who's slimebrained enough to hold up signs proclaiming "GOD HATES FAGS" at Matthew Shepard's funeral is just chompin' at the bit to get in on this one. Hell, as we speak he's probably gassin' up the school bus for the ride in from Topeka. C'mon, all you Mother Russia refugees stirrin' up this shit, invite the not- so- Reverend in with open arms and show your true colors, why doncha? Then let's see how much publicity you're going to milk off this sorry waste of news print and airtime. Big Fat Hint: it won't be the kind of PR you're looking for.

Art imitates Life. (Yes, "Art" IS used with pretty borderline inaccuracy in this particular comparison...)