CONGRESS PASSES BAILOUT, GETS ON SHORT BUS TO GO HOME

Okay, you got your bailout.

You bunch of fuckin' crybabies.

Daily, it seems that we, the constituents of our elected representatives, increasingly bear witness to the profound level of political retardation demonstrated by both houses of Congress. After the lower house rejected a completely useless waste of legislation on Monday, the Senate produced a much more bloated piece of shit bill with more more pork inside it than all of the past years' Best in the West Nugget Rib Cook-offs combined.

How does this historic act benefit the working people of America? Let me count the ways.

Yeah, that much.

Oh well, at least we can enjoy the relative peace and quiet from the Chicken Little alarmists finally shutting the fuck up and taking a nap or whatever they ended up suddenly running off to do. It's sort of eerie how, almost immediately after Dubya finished scribbling his signature, most of the doomsayers seemed to leave town immediately, possibly to enjoy what they felt was a well earned early weekend to unwind from all of the arm twirling and table pounding that they've been doing for five straight days.

And now everybody in both the executive and legislative branches get to pat each others backs over how hard they worked to get this monstrosity into law. The House of Representatives, for example, was in session for three whole days (counting the two off for the Jewish holiday)and the Senate had met almost as long! You just know that something taking that much time and effort is going to provide a permanent and lasting solution to all of those possible economic disasters that nobody can seem to agree will happen or not, right? And besides, now lines of credit are once again safe for humanity, and Main Street can drive itself into deep debt once again in an effort to provide an illusion that their families are much more wealthy than they really are.

At this point, let's think about that thar first big ol' stock market crash back in 1929, shall we? After that doozy of a market meltdown, the fact is that credit was actually quite stable and available. In reality, failed banks, disappearing jobs and an increased lack of consumer confidence contributed much more to the economic downturn of the 1930s than a credit crunch or investment failures. But don't tell that to Uncle Sam. He's too busy exchanging champagne bottle showers with his corporate lobbyist pals right now anyway, celebrating what is probably the largest extortion of public funds by private business in world history.

Make no bones about it. 2009 is shaping up to be a pretty fucked year. Batten down the hatches and buy nothing but necessities and what you're forced to replace when absolutely needed. Anybody who thinks that this bailout scam is going to benefit anyone except corporate pimps is going to be in for a pretty rude bitchslap from Inc.berg Slim when he shakes you down for his money, honey.