ON MR. RUSH LIMBAUGH, AND HIS SAD STRUGGLE WITH HIS ONGOING EXHIBITION OF EMBARASSING ENVY.

Who's afraid of the Big Fat Rush?

Tra la la, not I.

Rush Limbaugh is too easy for me to poke fun at, and it's just as effortless for me to dismiss his useless bile spewed daily across AM radio airwaves. Of course, I still can recognize his astounding record of accomplishment. Namely, that never has one man misrepresented so much to so many.

It's a sign of desperate times for the Republican Party when its leadership has to bow down like prison punks and backpedal on any criticism of Limbaugh. Thank God I don't have to be co-dependent to a political party, and can call narrow minded bigots like Rush out on his shit with no remorse.

Think it's just talk? After his airing of the, um, parody tune "Barack the Magic Negro" on his show, in my own special way, I suggested that the next logical step would be to simply turn his broadcast into one big ol' fashioned minstrel show.

Limbaugh's defenders, and even some folks who aren't exactly his fans, may try to accuse me of having envious feelings toward Rush as a motivating factor for my attacks. I don't envy Limbaugh at all. I've never been envious of closet Klansmen, and in a strange way, I kind of pity their lack of intelligence, so, nah, no envy in this part of town for Rush.

Oh sure, granted that he has been a very successful talk show host as well as in making lots of money, but that's pretty easy to figure out.

Rush has 14 million listeners, despite the fact that the conservative right has been getting a reception lately like what William Hung would get on Amateur Night at the Apollo. Is this due to the love and loyalty of his listening audience? Oh, Hell, no. This can be explained through the theory of cognitive dissonance, which can basically be described as the type of conflict that people can experience when it's apparent that reality does not quite jibe with belief.

I'm pretty confident in my assumption that, at one point or another, most if not all of these "Dittohead" devotees woke up one morning and had a silent mental revelation along the lines of, "My God! What did I see in this fuckin' idiot?" However, it is completely unlikely that any of these folks will ever admit to that epiphany ever happening, and they will continue to obediently keep their AM radios tuned to Limbaugh, all the while developing a bizarre justification of effort, where the harder they have to work their minds to buy Rush's bullshit, then even more so will they value and accept his useless views.

So that explains the long-lasting popularity. So perhaps I should be envious of all of the money he's making (what, in the neighborhood of between 30 and 35 mil a year)? Hmmm, that's pretty easy to suss out as well.

You see, Pilgrim, Rush, or to be more specific, Limbaugh's pimp, Premiere Radio Networks (which in turn is the bitch of Clear Channel Communications)makes its moolah from the advertising budgets of numerous corporate interests and not-so-small businesses.

Folks working for these marketing machines understand that, if these listeners are stupid enough to be impressed with Limbaugh's bullshit, then they're also ripe for the pickin's of the pocketbook and easy to impress with even the lowest common denominator of sales tactics. The Dittohead's latent-homosexual-like schoolboy-crush level of emotional submission while listening to Rush makes him the perfect target of vulnerability who will part with his disposable income and travel down supermarket and department store aisles dropping items in the cart in a post-suggestive state of robotic innocence.

So, honestly, I don't find anything to envy in the life or achievements of the Village Idiot of Cape Girardeau. But this little rant I'm presenting to you today, dear Pilgrim, isn't about my envy, but that of Mr. Limbaugh.

Limbaugh's unrelenting contempt for the new President isn't just about galvanizing his pack of suckers for the conservative cause, and it's not from some deep seated xenophobia (though he has clearly demonstrated that over the years as well).

No, Rush's diligent campaign to discredit Obama is rooted in plain and simple envy.

But it's not envy of Obama.

No, Limbaugh's true target of green-eyed angst is none other than...

Oprah Winfrey.

Now speaks wisdom. Rush is always harping on about the truth this and the truth that, here's the truth coming at you, just not the redacted truth typical of the mouth of Limbaugh.

Oprah Winfrey is undeniably, nay, unreputedly the most successful television personality in America today. Not that I'm that much of an Oprah fan or anything, but let's examine the facts, shall we?

For starters, Rush seems shallow enough to hate on a fellow entertainer who makes more than him, especially if she happens to be African-American and female.

Oprah earned $275,000,000 during 2008, and earned 260 million bucks the year before. In other words, she earned in two years what Rush will reportedly almost make if he lives until 2015.

A big part of Oprah's superior financial gain is, of course, due to the fact that she is a success due to television, a medium in which, ahem, Rush attempted and failed miserably at. Add this to the fact Oprah is now the recipient of what is pretty much an open door to the White House, while Rush is yesterday's tolerated guest in the Dubya days (after Dubya's popularity ratings began to hover near single digits).

For these reasons alone, it's easy to understand why Rush is probably spending one sleepless night after another, despite an Oxycontin-induced stupor, mumbling, "fuckin' Oprah... FUCK-in' Oprah... why, God, why?"

So, are you feeling me? In reality, Rush doesn't want President Obama to fail. He wants to see Oprah fail vicariously through Obama. Yes, he would be an idiot for thinking that way, but that's my theory and I'm sticking with it.

Hey, Rush, here's an idea: instead of challenging the President to a debate, just pick your fight directly with Oprah. Of course, the only people who would care about such a debate would probably be your respective fan bases, and E! Network.

It's not important, or even relevant in any way, that Rush is feared by a few insecure upper mucky mucks in his own political party. No, the important thing to remember here is that most of America is not afraid of Rush Limbaugh. On top of that, the majority of this country showed up at the polls in November of 2008 and told the Dittoheads exactly where they could stick their leader's rhetoric.

And that, my fellow Americans, is what makes this country great, and gives me hope in the future of America.