Lately, I've been feeling like shit.
Not physically. As a matter of fact, it seems like I feel stronger and on top of that, I'm getting sick far less often than in my twenties. In my mental state, it's been another story.
It's like my mind is trying to make its way through the middle of a tornado. There's really not much of a better way that I can describe it. The strange thing is that I seem to be doing things okay on the job and in my own creative efforts here and there. Something just hasn't seemed right lately.
Having an overly heavy workload doesn't help, and at this point there's nothing much that I can do about it. Plus, it looks like the inevitable ax is going to fall someday sooner or later anyway. I've been involved in this pattern before, where the staffing gets cut down to the bone, and even though the service levels suffer, eventually the work gets outsourced and the folks who've stuck around to keep things going are out of there.
It would be nice to feel like I can see options beyond my present gig, but I can't. Sure, I have plenty of practical skills to carry with me, and a lot of those skills were picked up on the present job that I'm holding. The shitty economy doesn't help, either. The last thing that I'd be looking forward to would be to re-assess my skill set for the same type of work at another corporation. One positive possibility is that I'll get a higher paying job, which would be close to even odds at this point since I don't make diddly squat based on my current expectations and duties.
I've been squirreling away a few bucks here and there, and have been building a fairly decent sized rainy day fund (which currently would get me through about three years of rainy days, even though that took 15 years to accomplish). That ability to still get a little bit ahead with each paycheck is keeping me in place. If and when it starts to get closer to paycheck-to-paycheck finances, it will be a bit easier to just pack up and hit the road.
There's one weird thing that's going on in my head, though. Like I mentioned earlier, I feel like I'm in great physical shape, but have had thoughts that I'm going to die soon. Real soon. Not like I have any objections to that happening; there's really nothing holding me here. I am completely and realistically one person, with no remaining family or close personal ties whatsoever. That's the price that you pay when you can't keep your mouth shut and can't deal with society or won’t put up with anybody's shit. I paid for it, and now I'm living its results.
Suicide, on the other hand, is not something that I am even remotely capable of doing anymore. I came to the conclusion a while back that if I ever feel suicidal, the most effective method would be to keep living, because life will kill me eventually. My only brother wasn't quite as keen to that idea, and decided to give in to his ongoing urge to shoot himself at the age of 31. It feels sort of strange to be 15 years older than a sibling who was 8 years older than myself, and yet remembering somebody who ran circles around me in terms of intellect even at my current age.
Medication is out of the question, as I don't want any drugs in me anymore, period. I don't even take aspirin unless I'm in nearly excruciating pain. For a lot of folks in my situation, knocking back a few drinks would provide at least a temporary diversion, but I know well enough by now that alcohol is just going to lead down a path which will be even worse than the one I'm experiencing now. And therapy has been nothing but a failure in the past for me, so I wouldn't expect it to change now.
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty fucked nowadays. Anybody reading this right now who hates my guts for one reason or another (and don't worry, I know that you're out there) should be utterly stokely stoked to know about my present condition.
And I want all of you of that persuasion to know something right here, right now.
I am going to eventually snap out of this funk and come back stronger, better prepared, and ready to make you look like a bunch of complete and utter idiots more than ever.
I always do.
And as a matter of fact, just typing this and publishing it has made me feel a whole lot better.
Oh, and fuck you.
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