Greetings, In The Name Of He Who Is Arisen,
Per your urgent request, I have received the token of our holy embrace and have placed it on display at a station of honor in the highest domain of my studio apartment. Your most precious trophy of athletic achievement is now among other significant objects of which I am fortunate enough to have been given the opportunity to save from other politically dangerous areas of the world. I recall only the fondest memories of the noble overseas Christian warriors who have presented me with the privileged duty to acquire all of these curios, at least until I had to change the PIN number on my debit card. I have forgiven them, as my covenant with the Lord dictates that I do so.
I am steadfastly praying, and I know you are as well, for the eventual consummation of our newfound alliance as soldiers of the battle for souls. It is simply one of many blessed events to occur that I had somehow been called by the powerful inner voice of the Heavenly Father to be browsing Ebay at such a miraculously perfect time.
I’m also delighted that you may be able someday to meet my heretofore-unknown long lost sister, Irinya Milošević Perrier O’Brien Gomez Psychodopoulos, who only recently had tracked me down and contacted me through Ancestry.com. She is marrying a lucky young fellow believer of my acquaintance, and while she is trying to get a visa to enter the U.S. from Belgium, I will be helping to open her new electronics store by accepting various packages shipped through UPS and FedEx and will be storing the items in my apartment, that is, the ones that I will not be forwarding, at her request, to her current retail outlet location in Abuja, Nigeria.
I am in passionate prayer daily to ask for God’s mercy upon the state of your treacherous situation, and assure you that I beseech the skillful hand of the Almighty Lord to touch the very essence of your existence, guiding you towards the way of the ultimate assumption of ecstatic glory, glory, glory in the highest until you reach the sacred realm of the Holy Spirit.
Sincerely,
Your Brother In Christian Intercourse,
MP
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