SO. YOU'RE PISSED OFF AT OBAMA? PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH.

So, you're all flustered up over the President's "Special Olympics" gaffe on the Tonight Show?

Well, Pilgrim, here's an opportunity to walk your talk. Click below to pledge to stop using the "r-word".



You know what they're talking about by "the r-word". Most of you who folks are getting all hot in the crotch over Obama's remark are a wee bit on the hypocritical side.

Hey, to a certain degree, I empathize. It's hard to avoid using the "r-word" in its various derogatory forms. When I flip the channel through Fox News or chance upon Rush Limbaugh on the radio, the first thought that comes to my mind is usually, "My God! These motherfuckers are totally..." Well, I'll show an example for the public by avoiding the completion of that statement.

One thing that I would like to personally admit to: I have, in the past, used the word "retarded" in various forms which steer from the degradation of those with intellectual disabilities. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who is, or has family or friends who are "special needs" oriented and take offense at my wording, as that was certainly not the intent (or, at the very least, who I was actually trying to offend, anyway). I do remain committed to the belief that there are creative and acceptable ways to use the word "retarded" in this fashion, and have used this method in the past. For some examples from my previous blog posts, Click Here, Pilgrim

CHICAGO! WESLEY'S FANS EVERYWHERE THANK YOU!

Dear Windy City:

I think that I can safely speak from the gut feeling of Wesley Willis fans everywhere when I say:

Thank you, Chicago.

Renaming the Sears Tower after one of your most notable native sons shows that your fair city truly recognizes greatness. The genius behind "Rock And Roll McDonalds" and "Cut That Mullet" is truly deserving of such an honor.

I'm too choked up to write anymore. I think I need a nap.

ON MR. RUSH LIMBAUGH, AND HIS SAD STRUGGLE WITH HIS ONGOING EXHIBITION OF EMBARASSING ENVY.

Who's afraid of the Big Fat Rush?

Tra la la, not I.

Rush Limbaugh is too easy for me to poke fun at, and it's just as effortless for me to dismiss his useless bile spewed daily across AM radio airwaves. Of course, I still can recognize his astounding record of accomplishment. Namely, that never has one man misrepresented so much to so many.

It's a sign of desperate times for the Republican Party when its leadership has to bow down like prison punks and backpedal on any criticism of Limbaugh. Thank God I don't have to be co-dependent to a political party, and can call narrow minded bigots like Rush out on his shit with no remorse.

Think it's just talk? After his airing of the, um, parody tune "Barack the Magic Negro" on his show, in my own special way, I suggested that the next logical step would be to simply turn his broadcast into one big ol' fashioned minstrel show.

Limbaugh's defenders, and even some folks who aren't exactly his fans, may try to accuse me of having envious feelings toward Rush as a motivating factor for my attacks. I don't envy Limbaugh at all. I've never been envious of closet Klansmen, and in a strange way, I kind of pity their lack of intelligence, so, nah, no envy in this part of town for Rush.

Oh sure, granted that he has been a very successful talk show host as well as in making lots of money, but that's pretty easy to figure out.

Rush has 14 million listeners, despite the fact that the conservative right has been getting a reception lately like what William Hung would get on Amateur Night at the Apollo. Is this due to the love and loyalty of his listening audience? Oh, Hell, no. This can be explained through the theory of cognitive dissonance, which can basically be described as the type of conflict that people can experience when it's apparent that reality does not quite jibe with belief.

I'm pretty confident in my assumption that, at one point or another, most if not all of these "Dittohead" devotees woke up one morning and had a silent mental revelation along the lines of, "My God! What did I see in this fuckin' idiot?" However, it is completely unlikely that any of these folks will ever admit to that epiphany ever happening, and they will continue to obediently keep their AM radios tuned to Limbaugh, all the while developing a bizarre justification of effort, where the harder they have to work their minds to buy Rush's bullshit, then even more so will they value and accept his useless views.

So that explains the long-lasting popularity. So perhaps I should be envious of all of the money he's making (what, in the neighborhood of between 30 and 35 mil a year)? Hmmm, that's pretty easy to suss out as well.

You see, Pilgrim, Rush, or to be more specific, Limbaugh's pimp, Premiere Radio Networks (which in turn is the bitch of Clear Channel Communications)makes its moolah from the advertising budgets of numerous corporate interests and not-so-small businesses.

Folks working for these marketing machines understand that, if these listeners are stupid enough to be impressed with Limbaugh's bullshit, then they're also ripe for the pickin's of the pocketbook and easy to impress with even the lowest common denominator of sales tactics. The Dittohead's latent-homosexual-like schoolboy-crush level of emotional submission while listening to Rush makes him the perfect target of vulnerability who will part with his disposable income and travel down supermarket and department store aisles dropping items in the cart in a post-suggestive state of robotic innocence.

So, honestly, I don't find anything to envy in the life or achievements of the Village Idiot of Cape Girardeau. But this little rant I'm presenting to you today, dear Pilgrim, isn't about my envy, but that of Mr. Limbaugh.

Limbaugh's unrelenting contempt for the new President isn't just about galvanizing his pack of suckers for the conservative cause, and it's not from some deep seated xenophobia (though he has clearly demonstrated that over the years as well).

No, Rush's diligent campaign to discredit Obama is rooted in plain and simple envy.

But it's not envy of Obama.

No, Limbaugh's true target of green-eyed angst is none other than...

Oprah Winfrey.

Now speaks wisdom. Rush is always harping on about the truth this and the truth that, here's the truth coming at you, just not the redacted truth typical of the mouth of Limbaugh.

Oprah Winfrey is undeniably, nay, unreputedly the most successful television personality in America today. Not that I'm that much of an Oprah fan or anything, but let's examine the facts, shall we?

For starters, Rush seems shallow enough to hate on a fellow entertainer who makes more than him, especially if she happens to be African-American and female.

Oprah earned $275,000,000 during 2008, and earned 260 million bucks the year before. In other words, she earned in two years what Rush will reportedly almost make if he lives until 2015.

A big part of Oprah's superior financial gain is, of course, due to the fact that she is a success due to television, a medium in which, ahem, Rush attempted and failed miserably at. Add this to the fact Oprah is now the recipient of what is pretty much an open door to the White House, while Rush is yesterday's tolerated guest in the Dubya days (after Dubya's popularity ratings began to hover near single digits).

For these reasons alone, it's easy to understand why Rush is probably spending one sleepless night after another, despite an Oxycontin-induced stupor, mumbling, "fuckin' Oprah... FUCK-in' Oprah... why, God, why?"

So, are you feeling me? In reality, Rush doesn't want President Obama to fail. He wants to see Oprah fail vicariously through Obama. Yes, he would be an idiot for thinking that way, but that's my theory and I'm sticking with it.

Hey, Rush, here's an idea: instead of challenging the President to a debate, just pick your fight directly with Oprah. Of course, the only people who would care about such a debate would probably be your respective fan bases, and E! Network.

It's not important, or even relevant in any way, that Rush is feared by a few insecure upper mucky mucks in his own political party. No, the important thing to remember here is that most of America is not afraid of Rush Limbaugh. On top of that, the majority of this country showed up at the polls in November of 2008 and told the Dittoheads exactly where they could stick their leader's rhetoric.

And that, my fellow Americans, is what makes this country great, and gives me hope in the future of America.

WHAT DID SEX MEAN TO HIM?

One of my favorite songs of my youth, by the now legendary Boston band Human Sexual Response, begs the question, What Does Sex Mean to Me?

My personal answer would be... definitely NOT what it means to this poor bastard.

REPUBLICANS. THEY'D QUEER A FUNERAL.

My Irish-American Mom had a sort of peculiar phrase she'd use sometimes. If My Dad or brother or I would say something that she felt would have better been kept confidential, or one of us was behaving outrageously or speaking in a interrupting manner (and usually that was me), she had an all encompassing phrase to admonish us:

"You'd queer a funeral!"

In other words, we were speaking or behaving so foolishly, so inconsiderately, that we would have lacked enough conscience and tact to the level of being willing to disrupt a memorial service.

In the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, an alternate definition of queer reads as follows:

²queer vt (ca. 1812) 1 : to spoil the effect or success of <queer one's plans>
2 : to put or get into an embarrassing or disadvantageous situation

On Friday the 13th of February 2009, the United States Senate was held up on a vote for an economic stimulus package which, at a vote count of 59, needed exactly one vote in order to get passed and sent to President Obama's desk. Like the previous vote in the House of Representatives, the Republicans had their panties in a bunch and united against it.

Every Congressional GOP member voted against the bill and, since they are now an endangered species in politics, they had no effect on passage of the stimulus whatsoever. Three Republican Senators crossed the aisle and voted Yes. Ted Kennedy didn't vote as he is on the DL from brain cancer and Minnesota still can't decide who the fuck they want to send to the Capitol yet.

So, Senator Sherrod Brown, (D-Illinois), who was not going to be in session that evening, even with such a crucial vote on the line, flew into Washington D.C. and dramatically cast the 60th vote, sealing the deal and sending the stimulus package to the President's desk.

I would personally consider Senator Brown's excuse for not having been there in the first place as pretty valid, and maybe even more than Senator Kennedy's reason.

You see, Senator Brown was flying in directly from the memorial service of his mother, who passed away of leukemia the previous week.

Bravo for Mr. Brown. From what I've read, Emily Brown was an activist in her own right who helped elect Mansfield, Ohio's first black mayor and had the 'Emily Brown Young Democrat Award" named in her honor. It would seem that not only would she be proud of her son, but also, if it were possible, she would have instructed him from the Great Beyond to go and vote when his country needed him.

And as for my Mom, naturally, her observation would be, "Those goddamn Republicans! They'd queer a funeral!"

MUST SEE TV. I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT I CRIED.

The most engaging and hilarious brand of comedy on the tube nowadays is this fantastic reality series on C-Span, though the name escapes me right now. "Congressional Hearings" something or other. Apparently Rachel Maddow is a big fan as well and presents this episode recap.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

IT'S NICE TO HAVE A HERO STORY FOR ONCE. NO, REALLY.

This country is experiencing a pretty strange phase of feel-goodyness lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually digging it.

Of course, the economy is still all fucked up, and nobody can eat peanut butter and we're still at war in a couple of places, but gosh darn it, when something cool happens it sure sticks out like a sore thumb doesn't it?

Consider if you will the near tragedy that was US Airways Flight 1549. After taking off from LaGuardia Airport, a bunch of birds, led by a charismatic cult leader who convinced them that they would commit revolutionary suicide if they flew into a jet engine, ended up disabling the plane. The pilot, Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III, managed to hard land the plane upright into the Hudson River. Apparently them thar Airbuses can stay afloat for awhile since all 155 passengers and crew were safely retrieved before the plane sank into the frigid waters of the Hudson.

Sullenberger is being hailed just about everywhere as a hero, and rightly so. His first officer on the flight, Jeffrey Skiles, was the one originally piloting the plane, but Captain Sullenberger took over, which turned out for the better because, despite 23 years with US Airways, Skiles had only 35 hours total logged in flying an Airbus A320. The concession to experience at the moment that the plane's engines went dead may well have defined the fate of all involved.

This is one of those stories that almost seemed predestined to happen. Many folks (including myself), believe that stuff happens for a reason. Instead of yet one more tragedy in the air, for once we have prevention of disaster thanks to actual human initiative. Plus, it simply would have been a bummer to have this happen just 5 days before the Obama inaugural. Instead, the outcome of Flight 1549 just added to the positive, celebratory tone.

It just seems like such a bizarre contrast of climate. Eight years ago, fairly soon after a President was sworn in (and following the most dubious election in history), we had a horrible mass murder involving airplanes crashing at the will of people. Now, we have the polar opposite happening with all aboard to live another day, followed by the beginning of an era with a Chief Executive who is promoting a feeling of hope and relief in so many citizens.

It's just a peculiar feeling in the air nowadays. It's like things have turned upside down inside out. I, for one, plan to enjoy it while it's here.

GOODBYE, AND THANK GOD.

Y'know, for some strange reason, I just can't get sick of watching this video...

NOT-SO-FAKE TALES OF SAN FRANCISCO. PLEASE. JUST FOR ONCE.

So. I've been hearing a lot of this jibber jabber lately about how Sacramento needs to become a "destination city", or some shit. Well, consider the fact that one of the most desired destination cities in the world, San Francisco, is a relatively short hop up the road. I did, considering that I visit there fairly often (and recently), and I've got some advice for Sacramento as a result of my research. And that advisory sums up as follows:

Find another fuckin' goal, Sacramento.

There's a motley assortment of philistines, village idiots, retired debutramps, and hipster Oompa-Loompas puttering around Sacramento nowadays. All of these fools think that a city's cultural style and substance can be spewed out willy-nilly overnight with a trendy restaurant du jour here and a flashy gimmick event there, sprinkled like pixie dust over a white rice bed of cookie cutter condos and corporate chain retailers. Just let the developers in, let them work their special brand of magic and, voila! After barely a year or two of any work, the online travel sites will be BLOWIN'. UP. With people trying to get a travel package bargain to SACraMENto!

Yeah. Right.

Look. Get something straight. It takes originality and character to create and maintain a great city life, and it's not only something that takes time to develop, it's something that almost defies description, and just is, or isn't.

Sacramento is a great place to live in, and has plenty of quality within its city limits. I'm not going to go into detail or name names, because if you need me to do that, then YOU need to get outside more often and check out what's out there.

We need to concentrate on the livable strengths of our fair city, and improve them. As far as the problems, with crime or whatever, welcome to the big city. Shit like that will need to be dealt with anyway. But as far as overall quality of life goes, please don't keep repeating the mistake of America Live and the like. Just quit. Seriously. And if you like shit like that, just leave.

And stay out. Seriously.

QUOTE OF THE DAY. WEEK. MONTH. YEAR. DECADE. WHATEVER.

"Of one thing I feel certain: this same technical progress which, in itself, might relieve mankind of a great part of the labor necessary to its subsistence, is the main cause of our present misery. Hence there are those who would in all seriousness forbid the introduction of technical improvements. This is obviously absurd. But can we find a more rational way out of our dilemma?

If we could somehow manage to prevent the purchasing-power of the masses, measured in terms of goods, from sinking below a certain minimum, stoppages in the industrial cycle such as we are experiencing today would be rendered impossible."

-Albert Einstein, 1934

I SUPPOSE THAT WE CAN'T CALL IT THE "PURPLE DUMP" ANYMORE.

I've lived in about a half dozen different joints in Midtown, but the first one was what was probably not so affectionately referred to as the "Purple Dump".

This otherwise relatively nondescript apartment building was home in the mid 1980s and hoo boy, I couldn't begin to narrate the complete stories of the music played, events that unfolded, and drugs that were consumed in that time. Among other memories was the morning that, following a typical night of LSD, pot and beer consumption, I had woken up after about two or three hours of sleep to walk into my living room and lo and behold, here comes Emilio Estevez being chased by a bunch of various law enforcement vehicles down P Street for the filming of Wisdom, a Brat Pack-era actioner shot in many locales in Sacramento which has been mostly forgotten by the movie-going public at large. And besides, Sacramento was just being used to represent Minnesota anyway. I didn't even realize that they had palm trees in Minnesota.

Anyway, for years and years and years the building had a color resembling a longtime old and stale grape flavored square of Now and Later candy, and thus had in time earned the now legendary nickname of "The Purple Dump". Imagine my surprise when, passing by one day, I had noticed that the owners decided to, erm, spruce things up with a fresh coat of paint. Unfortunately, they decided to use "School Bus Yellow" as their new color scheme.

Why the fuck would you paint ANY dwelling the color of a Yellow Cab, unless it's, say, the Yellow Cab Dispatch Center and Garage? Are you pissed off at the neighbors and want to hurt their eyes every time they come outside of their homes? Is there a study which has proven that crackheads are less likely to rent or loiter around places painted this way?

Yeah, I have a feeling that the "For Rent" sign in front of this joint is going to be posted in the front for quite some time. Oh well, I guess that they can't call it "The Purple Dump" anymore. Perhaps a new nickname like "Ugly Ass Yellow Shithole" can be a suitable replacement.

SATAN: “GO FOR IT SACRAMENTO! GIVE KJ STRONG MAYOR POWERS! NYAHHAHAHAH!”

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL (Acme News Service) – This morning, Satan announced at his weekly strategy briefing here that he is endorsing the effort of Sacramento, California Mayor Kevin Johnson to give himself more power with a self-produced ballot initiative, which Johnson and his backers have proposed to be put forth in a special election to the city’s voters. The cost for the special election is estimated at 1.2 million dollars.

In expressing his support, Satan said: “That Kevin, he really makes me proud. After convincing all of those ignorant hicks in Sacramento to elect him, and after barely keeping the seat warm at his desk for ten days, he’s pushing for power, and after all, power over people is everything I’m about! That’s my boy! A chip off the ol’ block. Truly in the mold of my previous protégés, like (James Michael ) Curley, (Rudy) Giuliani, and (Kwame) Kilpatrick. I am truly impressed with this fellow. If I didn’t know any better, I’d rack my brains wondering if I’d impregnated his mom and forgot about it later.”

Satan went on to point out his personal opinion that in many ways, Johnson’s vision of Sacramento’s future, along with Johnson’s high-level supporters, are very much united with the CEO of Hell in kindred spirit. “Look. All these people want is a great place to party, where only the most greedy, vulgar, egocentric and materialistic pigs are going to be happy. Anyone with even an ounce of integrity would be completely shat upon or run out of town. What’s not for me to like about this strategy? I say, go for it Sacramento! Give KJ strong mayor powers! Nyahahahah!”

Mayor Johnson had no immediate comment on the endorsement, but in a hastily placed conference call to all of the local media outlets, Johnson spokesperson Steve Maviglio stated, “We are delighted that Satan has honored us with endorsing the Mayor’s efforts in this matter. Of course, the usual naysayers may complain that Satan has no business in giving his opinion since he’s not a local resident. We would point out that Mayor Johnson, as he has stated time and time again, wants to make Sacramento a world class destination city, and if that’s a city that Satan ends up wanting to visit frequently, then all the better.”